I take care of myself (my words are not my only weapons)
by chameleoneye5
Summary: A short one shot imagining a different upbringing for Clarke, and how it affects the burgeoning peace with the grounders.


The grounders were all staring at her. Clarke looked from one face to another before spotting shock on the Commander's face. It was gone before the others saw it, but Clarke felt proud of putting a look there that wasn't stoic indifference.

Octavia let out a whoop that garnered her a growl from her new mentor (of course she ignored it) before bounding toward Clarke and offering up a high five. "Daaaammmn Princess. Didn't know you could fight like that!" Clarke's heart stuttered before she focused in on Octavia, her happiness fading away. Octavia's face fell with the disappearance of Clarke's smile.

Clarke shrugged rather than answering, and turned to offer a hand up to the grounder warrior that was lying dazed on the forest floor. He stumbled to his feet, managed a slight bow, and disappeared into the crowd- Clarke held the vague hope that he would be heading to the healer's tent but figured that realistically he'd likely just go sit down on his own for a while. It wasn't every day that a five foot two _skai gada_ took down a fit, seasoned _gona_.

And right now, she also felt the need to be alone. Clarke only took the time to nod respectfully to the Commander before weaving her way to the edge of TonDC. She didn't venture far into the woods (there were still too many that held her people as enemies), but found a decent spot to sit her back against a tree. Once there, she took a deep calming breath and allowed her thoughts to wander.

Clarke related to the grounders more than most - understood their need to train and fight. While her initial path on the Ark had seemed straightforward (her mother and father were both very successful, and she'd been born on Alpha Station), her life had taken a dramatic turn when she'd been only four years old. While she _had_ studied under her mother eventually, there was another course of study that she'd dedicated herself to because she hated feeling helpless.

"You are very skilled." The Commander's voice was soft and sudden, making Clarke startle. The other woman had appeared without a sound (though Clarke's awareness still hadn't fully adjusted to the ground, she was annoyed at herself for not sensing the Commander's approach), and now stood in front of her. Clarke thought about her words before deciding the course of her response. More and more, she'd been choosing her words as the grounders seemed to. She ended up going simple.

"Thank you." Clarke expected the Commander to ask where she learned to fight, but that was not what came out of her mouth.

"Your body positions are unfamiliar to me. Will you show me?" Clarke felt her eyebrows raise and did nothing to stop them. She considered the Commander's request: found it odd, even, that the woman was admitting she didn't know something.

"Will you teach me something in return?" The Commander shifted and studied Clarke's face. The green eyes pinned Clarke in place- she felt as if layers of her soul were being peeled back and exposed under the stare.

"What do you wish to learn?"

They trained together every day, meeting at a secluded part of the lakeshore. The Commander's guards, while always on alert, displayed the same interest in Clarke's fighting style as their leader did. If they were surprised at the times Clarke won (rarely, and less and less as the days went by: the Commander was a quick learner), they didn't let on. Clarke once caught two of the guards practicing on each other while they were off duty. After an hour or two (neither of them could spare much time away from planning a war, after all), they would strip off their outer clothes and wade into the lake.

"You wish to know how to swim?" Lexa had asked. Clarke pushed down a wave of terror at the memory that surfaced at the thought of water: there wasn't enough water in space for swimming, and her only ground experience had been jumping off Filpot Dam with Anya. Clarke had nodded, keeping her gaze steady despite the scrutiny of the Commander. The woman had agreed, but had stated as a fair trade, she would also teach Clarke _Trigdesleng_. Clarke had been eager at the time, but as she learned the Commander's teaching style, she somewhat regretted it: all lessons were conducted in the Trikru language, including the lesson on swimming.

Clarke felt her head dip under the water once again, and surged upwards, planting her feet on the mucky bottom of the lake and spluttering.

" _I do not understand why floating is so hard for you._ " The stoic woman stated. Clarke had learned the word for 'float' very quickly, and had explained the connotation to the Commander ("You took away air and killed them no matter their crime?"): she was then unsympathetic to Clarke's aversion to the word ("Words can be weapons, yes, but a leader must arm herself against them."), and used it as often as possible.

Clarke growled: she was beyond frustrated, and did the very childish thing of stomping toward the shore. The Commander placed a hand on her arm to stop her before the water dropped below her waist.

" _Tell me_." She said, and Clarke saw honest curiosity in her eyes. She had learned through her interactions with the other woman that, while she did not betray weakness in front of the general public, displayed honesty with those she was more comfortable with.

Clarke decided to be honest in turn.

" _I told you Anya and I escaped through the reaper tunnels?"_ The Commander nodded. " _Well, in addition to using the tunnels, we had to jump off the top of Filpot Dam. I would have never survived if Anya hadn't pulled me from the water. I landed fine, but was surrounded on all sides by the water: it was holding me up, and my mind associated it with being weightless in space, which in turn made me think of watching my father's' execution."_

" _So you associate water with death?"_ Clarke nodded. The Commander pursed her lips in thought.

" _It is wise to be wary: water can be very dangerous. But you cannot let it rule you: I will teach you techniques to assist in your fear. That you asked for assistance shows that you are self aware of your limitations, and your desire to learn shows that you favor self-improvement."_

" _Same to you, Commander."_ Clarke quipped back. The other woman narrowed her eyes.

" _It is very dangerous to mock me."_ Clarke felt her smirk falter. " _But we are alone, where you may also call me Lexa."_ Clarke nodded. " _Let us try once more."_

Lexa asked the question Clarke had been waiting for one day when Clarke had finally managed to float on the calm surface of the water unassisted (she was embarrassed that it had taken her so long). Clarke decided to give her the long answer, and led them to the shore. Lexa sat beside her, earnestly paying attention as they dried in the sunlight. Clarke attempted telling the story in Trigdesleng, asking for words as she needed them.

" _On the Ark, both my parents were very influential. My mother was not only the head doctor, but a member of the council. My father-_ " Clarke paused to swallow the lump that appeared suddenly, before pushing on. " _He was brilliant. The head engineer of the whole Ark. My mother was born into privilege, as I was, on Alpha Station. She could have chosen a much softer vocation, but she wanted to help people."_

" _Like you,"_ Lexa noted. Clarke nodded.

" _Yes. The way of the Ark is that those born to privilege typically have a much easier life: more food, less stress, better access to care, all things you can think. Alpha station is where everyone wanted to be: people were envious of the luxury we lived in. The only way to improve your life was to show aptitude for a specialized skill, like medicine. People resented my mother for pursuing medicine because they felt she was taking an opportunity away from someone else. Stupid, yes, because she herself was a prodigy, but those in other stations didn't see her skills as anything special. On the ground, she is extremely valuable, yes, but despite how she advanced the Ark's ability to treat illness and injury, she was recognized only for taking an opportunity away from someone else."_

" _I think I understand."_

" _So people resented my mother. My father, he was born on Farm station and very quickly it became apparent that he was not suited for growing. He showed great promise in engineering, though, and started his apprenticeship very early: he was promoted quickly to become head engineer and in charge of a team twice his age. The people loved him, and the elites respected him. It changed when he married my mother."_

" _What do you mean?"_

" _I've told you that the people resented my mother already. When she married my father, they either thought she had blackmailed him, or that he should have elevated someone among the people to his position. The elite looked down on her for marrying beneath her. There was a lot of anger on both sides, especially when I was born._

" _Despite how scheduled and clinical pregnancy was on the Ark, it was very bad timing when my parents were granted permission to conceive. My mother was on bed rest in her last few weeks when a fire broke out in Mecha station, and the hospital was down one doctor. A lot of people died that could have survived if she were present. Everyone blamed everyone, tensions were high, and I was born. There were riots at my birth, and people were angry at everything. The Guard got everything under control eventually, but resentment stewed for_ years.

" _Childcare on the Ark put all the children of every station together, and at the end of every day, each station's kids were escorted home. One day, when I was four years old, the Alpha station kids were attacked. A group of Mecha workers distracted the guards and I was taken."_ Clarke paused to see Lexa rapt with attention on her story.

" _They didn't have much of a plan, so they kept me blindfolded and gagged for three days before even offering me water. They argued a lot about what to do with me, and how to demand changes. They barely kept me alive for nearly five weeks. There was one that was cruel and beat me when I cried. Told me I was worthless and I was going to die and they would give my body to the elites. I was unconscious and very close to death when I was found by a worker not even looking for me. My parents, the council, everyone thought I was dead._

" _My parents were both there when I woke up. I would have died if the council hadn't allowed my mother to use more medical resources than was typically allowed. Once word got out about_ that _, I was resented even more. She was only able to do it because I could potentially tell them who had taken me. They showed me pictures of people for days, and I eventually identified the three that had taken me and kept me captive. They were all floated as soon as I pointed to their picture._

" _After I recovered, my mother refused to send me to childcare, and then to school with other children. I spent every day with her in medical, eventually showing the same aptitude she had. The only person my age I had contact with was my friend Wells, who I would see after he was done with school for the day. His dad was on the council, then was elected Chancellor when we were about twelve. People started calling me Princess because of my privilege and how removed I was from other kids._

" _My parents were my best friends, especially my father. We talked about my experience quite a bit, and even though I was very young, I never wanted to feel as helpless as I did ever again. My dad, like I said, hadn't grown up in Alpha Station, so he had connections that my mother didn't. In the lower stations, where they didn't have access to the nice exercise equipment, they did other physical things to keep fit. Things like fighting._

" _There was a surface fighting circuit, but there were also underground rings. My dad had contacts that ran those types of activities, and he explored the underworld for months before finding a teacher for me. He actually hired several teachers. Most didn't know what to do with me, because I was so young, but they taught me what they knew. As I gained skills beyond theirs, they pitted me against others. I was eleven when they first put me in disguise - as a boy, mostly, but everyone wore masks - and despite the fact that I was ten years younger than most I faced, I started winning. I learned from everyone I fought, and earned the respect of their trainers, who each taught me a different discipline. Because I wasn't allowed in traditional school, I could meet at whatever hours they were free. Only one person outside my trainers ever figured out who I was, and my parents bribed them into not spreading it around._

" _Until I was locked up, I'd say I was spending 4 hours a day with my mother in Medical and the rest of the day -sometimes almost 8 hours- training, either by myself, or with the teachers my dad found me. He traded rations, and other goods and services to make it worth their time. It was something I wanted to learn, and something I was good at._

" _Then they put me in solitary and floated my father, and then I ended up here."_

Lexa was quiet at the end of Clarke's story, a frown deep on her face.

" _I understand now that your desire to swim isn't solely to learn a new skill, but the desire to minimize this same feeling of helplessness. I am amazed at what your father did for you. He was a very wise man."_

" _He was."_ Lexa didn't bring it up again, but the trust Clarke had shown her was now between them. It was the foundation of their friendship, and led Lexa to share things with Clarke about her own childhood with Anya, to her adolescence with Costia as a focus, to her Ascension, up to being informed that a metal box had fallen out of the sky and spilled forth pale, frightened children.

Years later, when Lexa was gone and Clarke was once again floating in a still lake, she reflected on all they had taught each other, and how their initial connection understanding had eventually led to decades of peace.


End file.
